My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
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“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”