There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
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When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!