The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
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Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak