Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
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Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender