Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
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RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Miscakes
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
mood
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
you have three unread messages