You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
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Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Flock of bats
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”