In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting