What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
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Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
become ungovernable
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
No chill.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣