Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
You Might Also Like
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Name this drama.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
He’s cranky this morning