For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
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My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
No. He’s not coming out to play
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this