If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
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The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.