Bruh PLEASE
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ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
I am laughing way too hard at this.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes