I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
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i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Sign at work today
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I just ran a .003048K
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?