My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
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if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.