Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
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Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Oops
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT