Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
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My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
People buying plungers never look happy.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
What a website
At least he brought enough for everyone
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?