They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
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Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
want me to check your oil?