Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
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I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS