i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
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Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder