If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
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Oceanography is all about current events
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
🤣🤣🤣
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
When he asks for feet pics
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.