[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
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I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.