Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
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I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.