Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
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My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!