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I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.