Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
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Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.