THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
You Might Also Like
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.