Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
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Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
never deleting this app.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again