Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
This is a true ally.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
My boss called in sick of me
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough