Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
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My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought