met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
i choose….tongue
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.