Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
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Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Free him
WTF IS THAT!
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*