Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
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I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
What about second breakfast?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
When he asks for feet pics
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?