Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
You Might Also Like
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?