GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
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Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.