If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
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They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?