[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
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partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
😩😩😩
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore