Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
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I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
mechanics be like
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Genius idea!!
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.