In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
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Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Discuss
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…