Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
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Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda