Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
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Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Cake safety first. Always.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
yeah no that’s fair
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.