Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
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It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.