Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
You Might Also Like
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
sleeping beauty
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?