To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
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as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
2022 be like
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
When you let grandma cat sit
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂