Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
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her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Autocorrect is my menesis
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Its true…
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Haha good job!!
I have a black belt in leather
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.