doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
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Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.