me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
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My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall