Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
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This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Day 2 of my diet
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave