I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
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I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.