Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
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“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice