We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
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ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
adam and eve had first world problems
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?